Crap. I just went through my entire blog from the first post and this word is all that I have to say about it.
I have never really opened up here and the posts give you no idea whatsoever about me. I’ve not written about so many things that were on my mind at that point of time and have written random chit chat about pointless topics. Trust me, I mean everything I’m saying right now and all that you can hope to take away from the posts is what series I’ve been watching at what time frames – really!
I don’t feel like writing anymore which is evident from my post frequency of 12 posts in past 2 years. I don’t know when I’ll write next if ever.
As I was going though this blog, I rediscovered a beautiful 8 liner poem called – “The Look” by Sara Teasdale. It was the first post that I posted on this blog and ironically, perhaps is the last. We’ve come full circle – the best kind of ending.
Strephon kissed me in the spring,Robin in the fall,But Colin only looked at meAnd never kissed at all.Strephon’s kiss was lost in jest,Robin’s lost in play,But the kiss in Colin’s eyesHaunts me night and day.
The last post here was 3 months ago. I look at it and it appears from ages ago. This blog can’t keep up with the rate of changes I’m going through.
Anyway, I turn 22 today and this is a ceremonial post!
P.S. I better update my “Abouts” page – that’s the least I could do for this dying blog.
When I find myself in a moment which is so surreal that I want time to just stop right there, I imagine myself way ahead in time when this moment is long gone and imagine how it would feel like to crave to live it again. I then think of myself coming back in the now and for some reason, I fool myself into thinking that I got to live it all over again which amplifies it’s beauty.
I had one such evening last week. And I wanna relive it for the third time. Who’s got a time machine around here?
P.S. I just realized that this title works at 3 different levels!
There’re 11 unpublished posts in my drafts and umpteen in my head.
And I don’t know where to start or what to say except some words stolen from here.
भटक भी जाऊं मैं कभी, तो रहती सुबह की आस है,
जीवन है एक अधूरी कविता, जिसे शब्दों की तलाश है,
आप ही धुन में है शायद, या करता कोई इंतज़ार है,
आप में ही है द्वन्द सारा, और आप से ही प्यार है,
आप से ही हार है शायद, आप में ही जीत है,
जीवन है बस खुद की तलाश, यही जग की रीत है,
आप में ही मोक्ष है सबका, आप में भगवान् है,
आप में सीमा है सबकी, और आप में ही उड़ान है,
आप में है विनाश, और आप में ही परवान है,
आप में है दरिद्रता सारी, और आप में ही सम्मान है,
मिलता हूँ नित नयी सरिता में, फिर भी बाकी प्यास है,
जीवन है एक अधूरी कविता, जिसे शब्दों की तलाश है|
आप में है प्रतिबिम्ब सारा, आप में ही अक्स है,
जो बनने का प्रयास है निरंतर, आप में ही वो शख्स है,
आप में है लड़ाई सारी, आप में ही तो युद्ध है,
आप ही हौसला है अपना, और आप ही विरुद्ध है,
आप में बंधन है सारे, आप में स्वतंत्रता,
आप में बिखरते हैं सब, और आप में ही अखंडता,
आप में है राह जैसे, आप में हर संकट है,
आप में है परिवर्तन सारा, क्यूंकि आप में ही हर कंटक है,
मुस्कान अविरल रहे मुख पर, पर फिर भी क्यूँ मनं उदास है,
जीवन है एक अधूरी कविता, जिसे शब्दों की तलाश है|
Cult followers of my blog would remember this post I wrote sometime back for an old friend who I had not met in 11 years – after his family shifted to Jaipur from Delhi. We used to wish each other on birthdays virtually, but were practically strangers. People change with time and more so when they’re growing up. We had no idea of what each other had grown into. The bottom line is that we met about a week ago – 18th Feb if you’re into details, and things went down pretty smoothly. There were no awkward silences or what’s ups. We bonded incredibly and 8 hours flew by in a heartbeat.
Correct me if I am wrong but I’ve observed in order to be close friends with someone, you need some form of a glue which forces the two of you to interact over a period of time – like in the above situation, our old friendship did the job. Another example could be sharing a room with someone for some time or working on a project or an event together. There are some exceptions, sure – not all room mates turn out to be great friends and people with common interests and nature are drawn closer without any external glue. Come to think of it, shared interests or nature would be the glue in that case.
But the situation starts to suck if you don’t find a glue while there’s still time. Back when I was in school, my crush slipped out of my loving arms due to lack of glue. Well okay, it was due to me being a gutless chicken here. However, in some situations, lack of glue can take a toll. Classic example is coming across someone whom we’d like to know better but don’t have any glue to interact longer, subsequently feeling helpless like a turtle on its back. Universal example would be losing touch with friends after college since you don’t have any college to glue you up together and slowly you fall apart as if you never knew each other.
You could try and get better at finding the right glues and they do work, but they will run out eventually. Only shamelessly calling your friends for no reason or approaching that interesting person seems to do trick. Tried and tested.
1. A lot is going on my mind and things start to get messy. I ended up creating drafts for 2 more posts as I was writing this one.
2. Writing isn’t as easy as I make it seem. *And someone is rolling their eyes!*
This cycle isn’t new to anyone, we’ve all been in it far too often – come across a song that at first seems okay-ish but hooks you up real bad a little while later and you begin to see the artist as a creative genius.
Excluding 9 unpublished drafts I scribbled in December, I wrote 11 posts in 2016. I put up 28 posts in 2015 and 29 in the year before that – all of them dead as a doornail.
I was more focused on how I wanted to say things rather than on actual things I wanted to say. As a result, I wrote less for the fear of not writing something “good”. The posts I did write were lousy, soulless and often comprised of small talk – existing just for the sake of existence. There were no meaningful posts – and I mean neither meaningful to you as I didn’t put down anything that allowed you to relate with me, nor meaningful to me as I did not write things I should have reinforced to myself by writing here. I rarely wrote with a topic in mind and hence never really articulating the things I wanted to say.
I was considerate and watchful of how the people who know or don’t know me would react to what I write and consequently I did not trap my experiences, thoughts, desires and fears which I was fooling myself into thinking was the purpose of this blog. The purpose somewhere down the line became writing something or anything that’s “good” with minimal effort – I never bothered to think why. I was simply writing with my headlights off.
I was fooling myself (both in and out of context of blogging) which I have come to realize that I’ve got pretty good at. They say that we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our thoughts. And some days an objective look in the mirror is needed.
I’ll be more open from now on, howsoever that plays out – I couldn’t care less.
I just watched Elon Musk and Sal Khan’s (of Khan Academy) conversation and I had a feeling which is very difficult to sculpt into words. The feeling is partially amazement – on seeing them working so earnestly towards things that they believe in. The feeling is partially humbling – when I consider how insignificant most of the things I do are like writing this post. The feeling is partially inspiration – to create something that positively affects or attempts to affect humanity at a global scale. The feeling is partially guilt – when I look at how I sqander away my time. The feeling is partially wonder – is there even a slightest chance that I’ll ever do or be able to do something remotely as such. The feeling saddens me a little because I know that it will pass and at exactly the same time tomorrow, I’ll still be right where I am right now.
“Every story has a happy ending, it’s just a matter of right moment to end the tale.
Contrariwise, on a long enough timeline every story ends in a tragedy.”
This is a somewhat paraphrased version of something I came across somewhere a long time ago and it echoes in my mind every now and then. I relate to it even more right now after knowing how Ramayana eventually turned out.