Headlights

Excluding 9 unpublished drafts I scribbled in December, I wrote 11 posts in 2016. I put up 28 posts in 2015 and 29 in the year before that – all of them dead as a doornail.

I was more focused on how I wanted to say things rather than on actual things I wanted to say. As a result, I wrote less for the fear of not writing something “good”. The posts I did write were lousy, soulless and often comprised of small talk – existing just for the sake of existence. There were no meaningful posts – and I mean neither meaningful to you as I didn’t put down anything that allowed you to relate with me, nor meaningful to me as I did not write things I should have reinforced to myself by writing here. I rarely wrote with a topic in mind and hence never really articulating the things I wanted to say.

I was considerate and watchful of how the people who know or don’t know me would react to what I write and consequently I did not trap my experiences, thoughts, desires and fears which I was fooling myself into thinking was the purpose of this blog. The purpose somewhere down the line became writing something or anything that’s “good” with minimal effort – I never bothered to think why. I was simply writing with my headlights off.

I was fooling myself (both in and out of context of blogging) which I have come to realize that I’ve got pretty good at. They say that we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our thoughts. And some days an objective look in the mirror is needed.

I’ll be more open from now on, howsoever that plays out – I couldn’t care less.

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